I’ve worked hard at becoming a certified yoga instructor. 5 years ago, I enrolled in a difficult program where I was evaluated on my teaching performance each week by one of the least yogi yoga instructors I’d ever met. She was harsh, controlling, and extremely critical. Just what I needed…
Whenever I wake up and my mind starts to go crazy, I remember — this morning is peaceful, I am not.
There’s always a stillness that lies just beneath what is happening in the chaos of my mind.
This stillness always sits in the background of whatever’s going on and…
How badly do I want to be free?
I don’t think I want it badly enough.
That’s a lie.
I want it. I do. My ego, however, does not.
I feel my soul urging me to fight for it — begging for it’s freedom and I cry knowing I’ve only done a half ass job.
I feel a massive amount of energy stirring up inside of me and still, I continue to sit on standby, as if someday this energy will abruptly spill out — without any help of my own, or any knowledge of how to communicate itself. It will just happen, I dream.
And yet here I sit, in my thinking mind, unable to turn off this channel and find the words of freedom.
Unable to show up fully me.
I want to be free.
But how badly do I want it?
I thought I knew where I was going, but I never could have predicted this.
I thought I knew what was right for me, but I actually had no idea.
I thought I knew who I wanted to be, but I didn’t have a clue.
I thought I knew who I was, but now I realize it was only a stranger staring back at me for all these years.
People numb with social media — scrolling and searching and posing and editing. People numb with food — binging and purging and cooking and baking. People numb with booze — blacking out and forgetting.
I numbed with meditation.
I meditated so that I could NOT feel.
I meditated so that…